Now sometimes, this place invites to me tag along on big adventures with the people we support, and 90% of the time I’m down for the ride. I’ve been to the state fair numerous times, to the circus numerous times, to Shine Prom 3 or 4 times, I’ve made multiple trips to Huber’s....I mean, we do a lot of cool shit.
A few weeks ago, I was asked, and I agreed to tag along with
some folks to see the Nutcracker - that big adventure took place last night.
First, I need you all to know that I appreciate all kinds of
art, I really do. Anything creative
that stirs my emotions, man - I’m down with it. Also, I believe that ballet is very
artistic and at the same time, very athletic. I respect what those dancers do, the
skill they have, the work they put in, their dedication, all that... but y’all
- ballet is not my jam!
For the most part, at the beginning, I stared at their feet. It
really started to fuck my mind up quite a bit. Like, bless those poor little
twisted up ankles, those poor toes...those bunions! A half hour in, I just
wanted them to stop it and sit down.
I decided to stop watching the feet and focus on something
else. But after a little while I became bothered by how extra the dancers
were with their arms and fingers. I know it’s meant to add flair and look
graceful and be beautiful and all that jazz, but damn...damn the ballet fingers!
That shit is annoying.
And I also must admit, I don’t even know the story of the
Nutcracker - so I was lost and couldn’t follow what the hell was happening to
save my life. So really, all I had to get me through were the feet and fingers
- that is, until the second grown male ballerina brought himself out into the
light.
Now, the first grown male ballerina on stage was about as
normal as any grown ass man in white satin tights doing ballet could be, I
guess. I’m not all up to date on my ballet information so I have no idea what’s
good or bad, but this guy seemed to be doing things as he should.
But then this second grown male ballerina made his way onto the stage. And y’all, I don’t even know what the hell you are supposed to call
male ballerinas for real, but I know if I had to pick a name for this guy it
would be “ballewiener”... because this
guy totally forgot his dance belt. Which, I didn’t even know was a thing until
this morning.
For those of you who aren't aware...
...a dance
belt is a is a kind of specialized undergarment commonly worn by male ballet
dancers to support their genitals. Most are similar in design to thong
underwear. Dance belts were developed and considered desirable for male dancers
and others to wear because various choreographic moves can otherwise result in
pain or possibly even injury to the male genitalia which are not supported nor
held snugly in place against the lower abdominal area, as well as skin-tight,
body-hugging ballet tights would otherwise reveal the contours of the male
dancer's anatomy to a degree of detail which could be considered distracting to
the audience.
So “ballewiener”,
in all his distracting glory, leaps and flies out onto the stage, lands
with a swirl & a twirl...and I realize immediately that at 34 years old, I’m
not mature enough for ballet.
...I may or may not have blushed.
...I may or may not have laughed a tad longer than I care to
admit.
...And then I may or may not have thoroughly weirded out.
For real, I am not making this up - this man had his dingus
straight up in the 12 o’clock position, his satin white tights were splitting
his balls in two, and the head of his dingus looked like he stuck a damn bouncy
ball in his tights right below his belly button.
And there were children there! So many CHILDREN!
So now, for me, the ballet consists of twisted feet and fancy fingers getting on
my nerves, and a flying dingus - just swirling & twirling & jumping about - right in front of me!
It was awkward, y’all. Really fuckin’ awkward....me and the ballet just weren't vibing.
So, in an effort to walk away from this adventure with some sort
of positivity, I moved my focus away from the dancers and over to the
props...and I must say that I really, honestly, enjoyed that part of the show.
And just so you know - despite “ballewiener”
being a tad absentminded with his costume, I think he ended up being quite an
impressive dancer. I can’t be real
sure because I didn’t watch him much, but when the
show was over and they all came out to take a final bow...I'd be lying if I told ya he didn't get the biggest
applause. 😉
- Crow
