Throwback: Clitoris-Rex.

All of a sudden, last Friday - the Christmas Spirit hit me like a snowball to the ear. Due to this sudden burst of holiday cheer, I decided that I needed to go to the Mega Cavern and see the Lights Under Louisville. I figured since I was going no matter what, I might as well take a car load of kids with me to share the awesomeness of the millions of Christmas Lights. I immediately called my best friend and my boyfriend, and rallied up some kid troops.

On Saturday, we loaded up and took off to Louisville. We stopped at McDonald's to fill our bellies, then we had to make a quick stop at the mall to grab some last minute presents before we went to see the lights. We decided to use the moment of silence as they ate to lay down the law. Jdale, being the great disciplinarian that she is, took charge. "Now, you little turds listen up. When we get in this mall, all three of you are gonna have to pipe down and stay close. It will be very easy for us to get separated and for you to get lost or kidnapped. Don't make me have to karate chop every one of ya, because I will!"


Damion says: "Okay."
Abby says: "Okay."
Hunter says: "If someone tries to take me, I'm gonna kick him in the balls."


Jdale, being proud of her son for having a solid stranger danger plan of action, nods and says: "Good plan...but what if its a woman?"

Hunter replies: "I'm gonna kick her in the clitoris."

At this point, I've managed to suck a whole fry down my throat and almost choke to death. Jdale is laughing hysterically and can hardly breathe. I'm thinking that at 9 years old, if he knows that word, he should probably think it's a dinosaur. Hunter's face turns red, as he's realizes that maybe, just maybe, he shouldn't have said that word. Jdale snaps her head around to look him in the eye and asks: "son, what in the world do YOU know about a clitoris?!"

Hunter, not to be made to look dumb or embarrassed any further, tells us matter of factually:  "I know that it looks like a butt, and it goes like this..." He takes his finger and draws a curved line in the air and goes "muuuuuuuuurrrrrrrpppppp".

We both let out a sigh of relief that this child really didn't know what a clitoris was, that he had just randomly spat out the word because he's that cool. Not knowing if it was appropriate to give the boy an anatomy lesson of that nature, we just let it ride...all the way to the mall, where they all stayed close and no one got kidnapped.

And plus, the Christmas lights were uh-mazing! :)

Throwback: Happy Anniversary, Jdale!

A little over a year ago, during one of many White Trash Wednesday events in the Trailerhood, I pulled out the old trusty Burn Book. It was the first time I'd had it out in 8 months. As I flipped through it, page by page, recalling every splendid memory and laughing candidly about each and every random quote, I thought to myself..."Damn, I miss Jdale." Of course, being all tough about it, what I said to everyone was...."Too bad she sucks ass these days..." and I brushed it off and carried on. That same night, we brought the Burn Book out of retirement, and wrote a ton of hilarious shit down on a fresh crisp page. A new beginning of sorts.

The next day, I received at text that said "I think you need to call Jdale. You miss her and you can't say you don't because I saw it in your eyes when you opened the notebook last night." I replied with, "Of course I miss her, but that don't mean shit...I still ain't talking to her." All tough again.

Turns out, this mediating friend of mine was very persistent. He kept on and on trying to convince me to call her. Even after I cussed him out and had tantrums about it, he still kept on. When my stubbornness proved to be impenetrable, he took it upon himself to contact her instead....and convince her to talk to me.

Later that night I received another text, this one a forward. "Please tell her I love her and I miss her. And I'm sorry. She's my soul mate, and I'd give anything to have her back." I was at work, and the only thing I knew to do was rely on Nikki to give me sound advice...she had never failed me. After we weighed every pro and con, and went back and forth for hours - I was still torn about what to do. (And I was also mad as hell, because it was all stupid-head Casey's fault for even putting this all on the table in first place!)

After that, I don't remember exactly what happened. I'm not sure if I texted her or if she texted me or what...but we spoke and made plans. EBG's Saturday Night, we'd have a beer.

Saturday night, there I sat - by myself at EBG's, kicking myself for even agreeing to the dumb shit, but even still - an hour early. I ordered a bucket of beer, sat there and drank. The band started, I sat there and listened. And then the door opened, and like a beacon of light in the night...there she was. My long lost best friend. My Jessica #Koff. The Executioner to my Mastermind.The Bubba to my Forrest Gump. The Ren to my Stimpy. The air drummer in my air band. My soul mate. My non-driving, loud-mouthed, obnoxious, ridiculous, intellectually-challenged....best friend.


"...the Jessica's are back. Tell a friend."
Immediately, it was fine. We were back together like we'd never missed a beat. We made it official with a picture on Facebook.

Today, we're celebrating our one year anniversary. We never thought that the stupid green 5 subject notebook that we purchased to document our epic adventures in, would end up being the one thing that would eventually bring us back together..but it did. And it now holds a whole new year's worth of memories.

I also feel compelled to thank Casey Chadwell once again, for battling it out with me through my most stubborn and conflicted times. He forced me to get my head out of my ass and made me realize that what I really needed in my life at the time, was her. Of all the gifts this man ever gave me, giving me my best friend back is the one thing I'll be forever grateful for.

I love you, Jessica Delaine Dale. Now, put yer titty back up, we've got celebrating to do. :)